Moving on from a summer of misadventures, I arrived back at university bushy-tailed and bright-eyed expecting to stick to my veto on men. After very little persuasion, I yet again went on a night out, expecting to avoid the dramatic at all costs. Within an hour of being there, I bumped into Harry. I expected a slightly awkward hi and bye. But he shocked me. He started by apologising for being an absolute dick last year (which he was) and ended by telling me he was seeing someone. There were pit stops at I think you’re a really great girl and you deserve much better than me. Also I’m a f**k boy and I know there’s a really good guy out there for you. Whilst I felt like someone was breaking up with me, in a weird way, his drunken spiel was kind of sweet. Of course, I didn’t think of it as anything more than a drunken spiel but when he repeated it all again the next tine I saw him, it genuinely sounded like he had thought about it. Drunkenly at least; which is probably why he thought it was okay for him to self-proclaim his f- boy status. Though he was now single, he was still firmly on the path of pursuing another girl and I as a normal human being, took this to mean that he didn’t care at all.
Enter Oliver and the real reason why I ended up in boots. Oliver and Harry were pretty good friends and seemed like the type to tell each other everything. Thus when Ollie tried to kiss me, I told him that I’d kissed his friend before and therefore nothing should happen. I was swiftly informed that Harry wouldn’t care and while feeling incredibly horny (yes virgins get horny too), and worn down due to his several attempts, let the kiss happen. Considering my usual luck, I wasn’t surprised when we bumped into Harry, who acted weirdly. I presumed it was because we had kissed before but didn’t think it was anything deeper than this. Some greater context for this, Ollie knew some of my university friends from home and generally had too many mutual acquaintances with me (A rookie mistake).
We ended up at his, didn’t have sex but did other things and he implied very strongly that this was a 1 night thing. Fast-forward past 2 direct messages from me (why do I never learn), one asking for a photo he had of our group and another highlighting an inbetweeners joke I had made on that night I crashed at his, we arrived back two weeks later, in yet another club. A drunken kiss later, I realised that this guy was sending mixed signals attempted to figure it out his motive without directly asking. This is where the mutual friends became a problem. Too many people knew, too many people were teasing us and there were too many instances where his name was brought up. Somehow, someway, this boy who had kissed ME several times took this to mean that I was keen on him and he need to let me down easy. *insert meme of man blinking rapidly in disbelief*. To my credit, I set him straight and naively believed that this would be the end of the Oliver saga.
Oh girl, why must you be so naive. Once again, I saw Ollie on a night out, he tried to kiss me. I replied with a pretty weak no because I was still attracted to Harry. Baring in mind that before this night I had always preferred Harry but figured there was no point in pursuing a guy who clearly didn’t even want to kiss me again. I was told that Ollie had been in more complicated situations than this and essentially it wasn’t that deep. Once again my inhibitions were dulled by alcohol and we ended up in my bed. And there was a moment where, without being to vulgar, his d**k went in for like, a second. And I froze. I don’t know if it was guilt or shock or surprise but it was as if time stopped. And then I of course pushed him off. Hence the Boots trip. Because I believed that a guy who had a lot more sexual experience than me would know when the morning after pill was required (it wasn’t by the way). But I don’t think that this changes my virginity status. Because it was an unintended accident and I didn’t experience sex in all it’s supposed glory. Then my period came two weeks early as a result of the pill and it was really shitty.
But I think the worst part was the guilt. Because I couldn’t believe that I’d put myself in the position that I was that close to doing the deed. And that made me feel like I couldn’t be close to God for a few days. I know for certain that I don’t want to lose my virginity to a guy who thinks an adequate reply to my refusal to sleep with him is, ‘I promise I won’t be weird afterwards’. Like, get tf outta here. To add insult to injury, he said, with his chest, that he is most attracted to oriental girls. So I’m not even really his type.
An update on Harry: He spoke to one of my flat mates (Sober, I might add). And repeated his general thoughts of how I deserved this amazing guy and he could never be that person. That he hoped I’d find him and I’d stop wasting my time. He also said that the situation was messy and he’d never kiss me again. And it was at that moment that I realised, I done fucked up.
Because even though I consider the things he said to be the bare minimum, it’s nice to hear a guy put ‘my feelings’ above sexual pleasure and dopamine. So I guess he did care…. And maybe Princes aren’t as far away as we think.
What’s the moral of the story? If you can’t have the guy you really want, be single. It’s much easier